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15 Laughable He-Man Action Figures - GeekTyrant.com

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  • 15 Laughable He-Man Action Figures - GeekTyrant.com

    Some guy who has no clue decided to insult the figures. He can't even get his facts straight.
    He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was one of my favorite cartoons when I was a kid, and I had a ridiculous amount of He-Man action figures. I spent hours playing in my back yard with my He-Man toys, rigging them up all over the place and making up my own storylines. I've got to say, though, there were some pretty silly characters they came up with that I look back on now and can't help but laugh about. I have no idea what Mattel was thinking when they came up with some of these deranged characters, but I put together a list of fifteen of the most laughable ones.  Moss Man Let's face it, He-Man had its fair share of terrible characters and action figures, but Moss Man was especially ridiculous. It's horrific looking and reminded me more of fungus than it does moss. The moss even had a damp feel when you touched it. For effect, the toy makers gave the action figure a "real pine scent."  Stinkor Here's another He-Man action figure that had to be on the list. Why? Because he actually came with a stinky stench made from patchouli oil. His power was literally to stink. I actually owned this stupid-ass figure, and for the life of me I can't remember why.  Grizzlor  This is the first He-Man figure that didn't prominently feature chest muscles and a crotch because they covered him in a hair. What in the hell was Mattel thinking when they made this? It reminds me of a Tribble from Star Trek. I'm sure they included the cross-bow weapon in hopes it would sell. Ram Man This poor bastard had no real future in the Kingdom of Eternia so what job does he get? They put a colander on his head and make him a human battering ram! What's even more sad is that even in the commercial advertising the Ram Man figure, he's unable to knock down a door that he repeatedly rams with his head. Ram Man is a complete failure. Spikor This character is couple shades of purple, six-feet-tall, covered in spikes, and he has some kind of triton claw weapon where his hand should be. The character's spikes were actually an armor that was magically fused to his body. I'm not sure what that does for him other than make him look weird. This figure was completely impractical, but the commercial has an awesome menacing theme song! Rio Blast Rio Blast sounds like the name of a new Mountain Dew flavor. The character is the cowboy warrior of Eternia and he's strapped with an arsenal of laser guns. Some of these guns were built into his chest and knees that would pop out. This guy was a one man army, and way too over the top with his seven weapons of destruction.  Extendar This figure is a cyborg warrior that is made to look like a knight. What makes him special though is that he can mechanically extend his limbs, waist, and neck to extreme proportions because apparently growing taller makes him invincible. That logic doesn't make sense to me, but I'm a short dude, so I guess I'm screwed.  Hordak and His Evil Horde Hordak surrounded himself with some pretty crappy supervillains that included Leech and Mantena, as well as Grizzlor, who I already mentioned. Hordak used this team to help him conquer Eternia after Skeletor betrayed him and trapped him in "another dimension." I've got to say though that the commercial released for these figures was awesome.  Two-Bad This was such a disturbing character. He was a two headed evil warrior, and each half of his body was from some kind of completely different species. It's the most nightmarish siamese twin ever. The toy was marketed as the "double-headed evil strategist," the only thing was the two characters argued with each other more than they strategized.  Modulok This figure was described as an "evil beast of a thousand bodies." It was one of the more unique figures because it was made of 22 different pieces that could be locked together to form different shapes. That way he could confuse his enemies. Of course most kids lost most of the pieces, and in the end he was just a torso with a head or two.  Mosquitor Mosquitor was a giant cyborg mosquito, described as an "evil energy-draining insectoid." He would drain the blood of his opponents, which allowed him to recharge and give him more energy. He was supposed to be menacing, there was even a button on his back that when you pressed it his stomach fill up with that blood, but how can anyone take a guy that looks like this seriously? Clawful He's a man and a lobster… or a crab hybrid. He has one giant claw that can crush things and a little claw for use in everyday activities, like holding a mace to beat people with. All I know is that he looks like some kind of scientific experiment gone wrong. Hell, all of the these He-Man action figures do! Fisto This guy may have rocked a badass beard and stash, but his claim to fame is a giant metal hand that he would punch people with. The character could also smash through rock and other hard surfaces. This must have been a dark time for Mattel where they were really hurting for character ideas. Stonedar and Rokkon Stonedar and Rokkon transformed into rocks! What kind of kid would want a toy that transforms into a rock?! That just seems like the stupidest idea ever. That's even worse than the robot that transformed into a building in the Tom Hanks movie Big. Snout Spout He's a cyborg with a human body and a metal elephant head. I swear, some of these toy designers must have been high when they thought these things up. This character's main purpose was to be a firefighter, and his main power was shooting jets of water from his snout. 
    http://thepowersword.blogspot.com

  • #2
    Well that was stupid.
    "If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all." ― Noam Chomsky

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    • Black Zodac
      Black Zodac commented
      Editing a comment
      Very stupid.

  • #3
    At least he didn't go for the easy homophobia that everyone has been peddling since that Hey-yeah-yeah Prince Adam video.

    He didn't really sell the idea of the figures being stupid. "OMG, he's got two heads. That's dumb!"
    Last edited by Battle Ram Man; 09-25-2014, 02:33 PM.
    Heroic human battering ram, catapult, and space warp device.

    https://battleram.wordpress.com/

    Comment


    • Robarr The Morbid
      Robarr The Morbid commented
      Editing a comment
      Or that dumbass joke they made on Family Guy about toys like MOTU. Seriously lame.

  • #4
    Well sounds like he's got some repressed feelings about the line itself. And considering his starting point was the cartoon, clearly he didn't get the concept of the whole line, despite some characters truly being goofy none the less. Sounds like he needed to prove his loathing attitude to someone in his department cause he got caught having knowledge of the line, LOL. But hey everyone's got an opinion even the village idiot.

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    • #5
      I found this funny, at least his attempts at humor were mildly amusing, however the poorly stitched together paragraphs were void of anything particularly clever or fresh. Whoever this ranter is, he needs to get a new hobby, like uploading pics of his tea cup poodle to a doggie pic blog.
      Last edited by Sky Runner; 09-25-2014, 08:42 AM.

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      • #6
        The cartoon, as much as i like it, did NOT do the character or in this case the figure just. In fact quiet the opposite.

        However the guy is taking the figures to seriously and to literal. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get the figures.

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        • #7
          That was really weak and devoid of talent. Did Scott Neitlich's relative write this? I actually stopped reading when I got to Modulok - there is no way to make fun of that dude, for the time, that figure was incredible and he still is. His take on Grizzlor was soooo lame too.

          It was like some 12 year old wrote that article, it was very plain.
          “Anything is a dildo, if you're brave enough"
          Thomas Jefferson

          Always looking to trade MOTUC to complete my collection.

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          • #8
            While I will agree that Snout Spout and Rio Blast ARE goofy characters, I get the distinct impression from this author that he's trying a little too hard to impress his audience. He comes across as having an air of superiority/coolness whilst still claiming that the toys were "awesome", clearly not wanting to piss off the diehard MOTU fans. He seems like a Hipster asshat to me, I can't take him or his article seriously.

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            • #9
              I thought the article was about the Mighty Spector.
              “Freedom of speech doesn't protect speech that you like, freedom of speech protects speech that you hate." ― Ron Jeremy

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              • #10
                Well that was exceedingly poorly written. There's a lot better articles about silly MOTU figures out there for sure.

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